When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I want is dick and wine.
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