genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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