I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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