she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
