I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
