i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
