you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
