I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
