I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
