if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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