it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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