did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
