I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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