I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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