I am puke
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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