New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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