oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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