Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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