I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
