Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
