Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
