Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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