Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
