I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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