I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
