Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
