Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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