This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
