Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
