You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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