I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
