my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
