is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
