i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
