Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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