Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
