I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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