Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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