how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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