I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
