i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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