If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
