i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
