lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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