And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
