he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
