birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
