Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
