thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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