Just fell off a train. Bad.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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